I Make Movie Review-GI Joe

Okay, let's face it--critics would trash any movie with the GI Joe stamp on it, even if it were, say, a Hurt Locker-esque stroke of celluloid brilliance. But that's not what you want from GI Joe: Rise of Cobra. You pretend to be too good for it, but you secretly crave the ultimate empty-headed, badasses-go-to-war, landmarks-go-kerblooey of your machine-gun wet-dreams. In that context, Joe delivers-sometimes. Word is Paramount Studios meddled big-time with Stephen Sommers directorial vision before this one hit the 'plexes. Perhaps this explains why this film feels like two different pictures spliced together; a mindless, Mummy-esque thrill ride, and a weighty, subplot-infested, cliffhanger-riddled behemoth designed to spawn sequel after sequel after big-money sequel. When Film 1 wins, it's action-movie nirvana-Sommers knows his way around the whoop-ass road, and he orchestrates action set pieces of such pedal-to-the-medal ingenuity that the occasional sloppy special effect or cheap stunt really doesn't matter. Best in show is a chase that literally spans the entire city of Paris-characters jump, dodge, and shoot with enough slow-motion gusto to give Neo bad-boy penis envy. Sadly, as cool as Film 1 is, we see a LOT more of Film 2 here. This is the film that tacks on about 800 vapid backstories (the one set on the most backlot-looking China since the Bruce Lee days got gobs of unintentional laughter), turgid one-liners , god-awful speeches about honor, and country delivered with typical dryness by Dennis Quaid (COME BACK TO THE LIGHT, MAN!), and, of course, plenty of set-ups for a sequel. The sad thing is, the actors here seem game to make a good movie, and the cast-Channing Tatum, Sienna Miller, Marlon Wayans, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (!), Christopher Eccleston. But for all their enthusiasm, they just can't make this bloated balloon of a story float. Still, give Sommers points for leaving out the soft-core porno and nagging misogyny that plagued the summer's other big toy-based movie. Also, under doubtless pressure from the studio to not change the sucky-script, Sommers is samrt enough to let the character that isn't in the dialogue come out in our heroes and villains fighting styles. Miller's dysfunctional Dominatrix, Wayan's cocky sidekick, Gordon-Levitt's wounded baddie-we learn more about all of them from the way they dodge a blow or wield a blade than from the shit script. Overall, it's not good enough to lavish your recession-era cash on. But seeing it on TV would suck out out a lot of the limited thrills this movie has to offer. Therefore, GI Joe earns the dubious honor of being the must-see flick at the Dollar Theater. C.